Life Tips

1. If a woman says she's upset about X, it's not about X. It dates back to Q and you don't even know what Q is.
2. Obey the laws of mixology. If nobody else drinks Gin & Coke™, there's probably a good reason.
3. When drinking, remove your cigarette from your mouth first to avoid ruining both your cigarette and drink.
4. You can forget things as often as you like as long as you remember it when you actually need to.
5. Ibuprofen + codeine painkillers washed down with tequila are your friends.
6. It's tricky to drink while dancing in your chair to 80's pop, but not impossible.
7. To avoid hangovers, drink enough to wake up still a little bit drunk.
8. If you have long hair, tie it back before using a power drill. Seriously.
9. When crossing the road, look not only left and right but down, around, and possibly up.
10. Have just the right amount of alcohol that won't make you violent but is enough to block out reality.
11. I forget.
12. An empty glass is nature's way of telling you it's time to check the stuff frying on the stove.
13. Ginger Ale makes a nice change of mixer, from Coke™, sometimes.
14. Get pissed before you have your Drivers Licence photo taken so if you ever get pulled over drunk, they think you look normal.
15. If you would rather that dirty old men such as myself didn't gawp at you, try tucking your genitalia up inside your "shorts."
16. Never bullshit a bullshitter.
17. Smiley Faces excuse a multitude of rudnesses.
18. That thing you can't find and have been looking for everywhere is actually in the first place you looked. Look harder.
19. Do not accidentally snort vinegar.
20. When in doubt, cook sausages.
21. If you ignore dentistry altogether, any problems that arise eventually fix themselves.