Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Planet's fine. Leave it alone.



Have you got a minute for Greenpeace?

No, it's too nice a day for an argument.

Why would we have an argument? I just want to answer any questions about Greenpeace you might have and explain how you can help to save the planet.

Oh God, we are going to have an argument aren't we?


Well because, for a start, the planet doesn't need saving. It's just a huge compressed mass surrounded by molten rock with a crust on top. It's fine, been fine for billions of years and will continue to be fine for billions more. It's the environment that surrounds the planet that's in trouble and, quite frankly, I don't consider it worth saving.

Um, oh. What?. Why not?

Look, Greenpeace and almost everyone else takes this incredibly narrow view of things that says that what we have is worth saving. I don't. You know of the thing where you compress the entire history of the planet into the timescale of a single year? Earth somehow magically appears on the instant of New Years Day, becomes habitable somewhere on Christmas Eve and Human Beings don't show up until a few minutes before midnight on News Years Eve at the end of the year. The entire recorded history as we know it covers only the last few seconds and each of our lifetimes last less than the time it takes to even think about blinking, let alone carry out the action. And Greenpeace seems to think that these last few seconds are all that matters. As I said, I don't agree.

But what about the animals? What about the rainforests which mankind is wiping out at a rate of...

Sorry but I'm not interested in your statistics about how the rainforests or the animals are doing. They are doing badly, I know! Everyone knows. I simply have a different way of thinking about this that tells me that it's pointless trying to clean up the mess. It's a waste of time taking actions under the expectation that mankind will somehow stop fucking everything up. We won't! As far as I'm concerned, mankind is a virus. A virus with a finite future and the quicker we destroy everything in sight and make the environment unlivable, thereby making ourselves and, admittedly, everything else extinct, the better. In a million or so years from now everything will be fine and lovely again with a whole new set of, hopefully, more viable species than the lot we currently have running around killing, eating and flattening everything in sight. THEN the environment will no longer be under threat and the planet, which will have been fine throughout this whole process, can continue to be so without the need of Greenpeace going about telling everyone it's in danger when in fact it never was in the first place.

*The sound of a Greenpeace volunteer walking away*

Monday, December 10, 2007

Tis the season for mass murder, fa la la la la la la la lah

A man went berserk in Woolworths today when a shopper apparently hindered his access to the Whiskas Tuna & Mackeral Bites in Aisle 12, pet food.

Having previously meekly pushed past a woman who was conversing with her friend in the vicinity of the Vine Ripened Roma Tomatoes in the marvellous Fruit & Veg Spectacular section, Mr. J. Ancient, of Mu Mu, later impatiently reached in front of a man quietly devoting his hours to choosing the exact packet of 6 Free Range Chicken Drumsticks he required.

Within minutes Mr. Ancient rudely shoved aside a shopping trolley carefully placed at exactly 90 degrees in the extensively stocked International Foods section, startling it's owner, Mrs. I. Dullard, who was talking to her 10 year old daughter Caitlan about the dangers of picking up packets of noodles from the shelves at the time.

Ancient later menacingly growled the word "move" to 4 staff employees who were conducting a long discussion as to whose responsibility it was to tidy the Ploughman's Loaf Bread rack of the non-aligned loaves therein.

Mrs P. Granny, interviewed later at the scene, said she spotted Mr. Ancient heading purposefully towards the knives section of the Kitchen Implements department, where he chose the largest of the range and placed it in his basket.

Mr F. Bastard was quietly contemplating the relative peace of aisle 12, surrounded by numerous attractively packaged, and excellently priced, boxes and cans of cat food, when Ancient killed him. Security camera footage appears to show the attacker speak to Mr. Bastard, walk away, put other products in his basket, return and speak again, wait and, just as Mr. Bastard acknowledged his presence, stab him violently in the head.

No motive has been discovered to date. Police have detained a suspect.